When I have my first appointment with a new client I’m usually a bit anxious, because I’m not sure what to expect. You don’t know whether a client is going to be sobbing, angry, defensive or filled with shame. Even though I’ve been a sex and porn addiction therapist for 25 years, I still worry whether or not I’m going to be competent enough to help them with their problem.
I work with what is a growing issue: there’s a huge social stigma that stops addicts coming out in public. I feel a lot of compassion for them and want to do whatever I can to make them feel more comfortable and confident in talking to me.
At some point, mainstream porn stopped giving addicts the same sort of arousal, so they escalate to more hardcore fetish stuff, and then won’t have sex with their partner unless they’re acting out a fantasy. Porn sites offer variety and novelty, which their partners just can’t compete with. I sometimes find I’m performing a balancing act between providing a service that’s beneficial to the client, and then feeling awkward when asking them to pay me at the end of the session.
Managing my own internal responses includes huge sadness at their loss, anger at the injustices that often lead to addiction, and frustration at society for not being more understanding. Recently, one client put it really succinctly: “I know most guys look at porn and I’ve not got an issue with that, but I’m a wanker. And no one wants to be a wanker.”
Our ravenous appetite for ‘reality’ is feeding this monstrous trend.
Last fortnight, it happened to us. With five others, my parents, sister, daughter, the driver of our car, I was caught in an awkward and embarrassing situation when we stopped at a traffic signal in West Delhi.
For a good two minutes, all the adults in the car tried their best to make the most inane conversation to drown out what was taking place outside our car window. My six-year-old was laughing at the spectacle. There are so many things she doesn’t understand yet.
Three boisterous teenage boys on a motorcycle drew her attention – while the grown-ups pretended to ignore the trio.
The one sitting in the middle had a smartphone in his hand which he was brandishing like a magic wand. As if on cue, the other two began to shriek and moan.
Their gestures and comments left no one nearby in doubt about what they were looking at.
Apart from the oohs and aahs, I caught words like “mazaa” (enjoyment) and “Oh my God”.
I had never felt so uncomfortable in the presence of my family.
This bizarre play of perversion was right in front of us. And despite much frankness in my family, all of us were avoiding eye contact.
What were these boys watching? A pornographic clip? Maybe. Something worse? A rape video? One of the many in circulation that the culprits themselves shoot.
According to recent media reports, these videos are on sale for as less as Rs 50 to Rs 150.
Human depravity has certainly gone beyond MMS clips, hidden cameras and photoshopped nudes. We are now consuming horrific crimes against women. Not only that, we are also not far from replicating them.
I can understand what purpose such videos serve for perpetrators of ghastly crimes. The victim can be arm-twisted into not reporting the crime as well as be made available for further abuse.
But there are also many who are happily dodging prison time and getting these clips downloaded into their phones.
If such videos are selling, clearly there is a market for them. What newfound desperation has created this?
As I thought deeper, certain things became clear. There are countless clickbait videos on YouTube that use the word RAPE in bold. They have been there for quite some time.
Consumption of rape videos, therefore, is nothing new, as corroborated by a CD seller’s interviewed taken by The Hindu in Uttar Pradesh.
I delved a little deeper and found that most free-access porn resembles rape in any case.
Only, the woman appears to be willing. Sometimes, even that veneer is dropped with taglines like: “When she ain’t behaving, f*** the b**** hard”, “young teen gets raped by…”, “snobbish virgin shown her place”, and many others in a similar vein.
Now, when the “real stuff” is readily available, who would want made-up stories? It’s just a logical leap, however egregious it may sound.
But what is more worrisome is that almost each one of us has contributed in the said leap. We, the denizens of the digital world, have changed the very definition of viral.
The word now denotes something that is being desired by the multitudes.
From goofy pet videos to bombing clips to innovative film promotions to sports injuries, we are consuming, and thus creating demand for, everything indiscriminately.
Rape videos are an ugly manifestation of this digital voyeurism which has led us to a point where nothing is really shocking.
In earlier days, the culprits would be careful about not leaving their footprints. Not anymore.
The police seem clueless about the whereabouts of culprits even though their heinous crimes are for everyone to consume.
From on-camera butchering of human beings to rape videos, it is the culprits having the last laugh. Our ravenous appetite for “reality” is feeding this monstrous trend.
Are there no digital mavericks who can actually put their minds and resources into tracking such videos and the people behind them?
That only, and exemplary punishment, can stop this ghastly trend from getting out of hand.
The proliferation of rape videos raises questions at multiple levels: parenting, security and governance, freedom of expression, the politics of banning, et al.
But most curiously, at the metaphysical level of public morality. The answers need to be sought at all these levels.
What society are we building where the hapless cries of a rape victim induce not disgust but peals of laughter and maybe arousal?
Skewed ideas on sexuality are the culprit. Will proliferation of ethical porn, along with sex education, be effective in phasing out such videos?
Can we also collectively work towards instilling confidence in victims that the videos are not a testimony of THEIR guilt?
Once they understand that, the victims won’t be bullied and the videos will likely lose their potency.
Who knows, there may not be any more of them, considering how futile the exercise would appear!
When we can’t kill the virus, we look for vaccines to render it impotent.
He started taking the drug when his friends teased him about being bad in bed.
The need for sex education is a highly debated issue and in a time of increasingly easy internet access and more exposure to diverse content, the importance of promoting awareness regarding sex among teens is highlighted even more.
In a horrifying incident indicating how the misuse of technology, lack of sexual awareness and peer pressure can ruin a childhood, a boy became the world’s youngest Viagra addict when he was 13-years-old, after he started watching porn at the age of 12.
The boy who is now 15, started taking the impotency drug after his friends told him he would be bad in bed with his new girlfriend, and this anxiety soon got him addicted to such an extent that he would take six pills a night at teenage sex parties.
Even as he was stealing hundreds of pounds from his parents, they were unaware of his activities and thought he was playing computer games at a friend’s house.
The boy finally realised his mistake when he could not get an erection without Viagra anymore, and is now undergoing therapy. Doctors warned that this isn’t uncommon among young teenagers who are taking the drug recreationally.
The boy told News – Ligar Seduction that, ‘Most people think Viagra’s for middle-aged men, but you can easily get it in schools now. Parents and kids really need to know what’s going on. I wish I had never tried it.’
He admitted that he was influenced by pornography and wanted to be like men in the clips, which is why he took the pills from his friends without telling his girlfriend, who later asked him to get more when he admitted to her.
The boy is now undergoing bi-weekly psychotherapy sessions as a part of diagnosis for compulsive sexual behaviour, and said, ‘I feel I have no childhood now. It is ruined.
I’ve always been confused about my strongest hand. When I was nee-high to a grasshopper, I used to switch hands when writing or colouring in, when one or the other hand got tired. As a grew older I realised I was left-handed when I was writing but had an ambidextrous hangover because my stronger side was always my right.
But, I hear you ask, what does this mean for your preferred wanking hand of choice? Yes, a pertinent question. A little personal, as I barely know you, but it means in reality that I’ve always used both hands, and never really thought too much about it either way, you weirdo. After doing a bit of research I found that left-handed wanking, or “non-dominant hand masturbation”, is a thing.
“I wank with my left hand so I can browse porn using my mouse easier with the right,” is one excuse trotted out a lot by wankers. Others say the “orgasm is more intense and lasts longer when I wank with the left hand”. Finally, a lot of wankers seem to say that “wanking with the opposite hand makes it feel like someone else is doing it”. All good and valid reasons from people of an ‘ambisextrous’ nature (ZING). But to find out the real reasons why we may choose to bash off with our non-dominant hands I spoke to counsellor, psychosexual and sex addiction therapist Michael Stock, a member of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (ATSAC).
LSB: Why might you think guys might want to masturbate in different ways? What reasons have you heard so far? Michael Stock: The key thing with internet porn is that the person, or teenager, watching it and masturbating separates sex from emotion. They’re short-circuiting – going straight to strong sexual arousal using porn, rather than putting in the effort from being with a man or woman. When they switch on their computer, they have more porn than they can shake a stick at their command – with anonymity and accessibility.
IT’s always hard to know just from looking at a culture how much sex is really going on. You might think today’s young adults are getting quite a bit of it. They are, after all, the generation who grew up with sexting and online hook-ups. But, as a recent US report demonstrated, statistically they are having less sex than any generation since the 1920s. Some 15 per cent of young adults who were born in the 1990s said they’d had no sex partners since age 18, but just 6 per cent of Generation X-ers admitted the same.
Of course, this is not the image we have of this younger generation. Watch Celebrity Big Brother, The Only Way Is Essex, Geordie Shore or the American drama Girls, or surf internet gossip sites, and you could easily conclude that there is more sex going on than ever in British and US history. On Celebrity Big Brother, viewers have witnessed 24-year-old Marnie Simpson, whose personal selling-point on entering the house was that she’d already had sex on television and had “the best-looking vagina in Newcastle”, canoodle with Lewis Bloor, who earlier said he had bedded over 100 women.
In their attitudes to sex, Simpson and her peers also seem frequently at odds with the older generation on the show. The reality star managed to silence 46-year-old Saira Khan, when she tried to involve her in a chat about her sex toy. “Marnie. I’m married. I don’t do sex,” Khan said.
This is just one example of the way in which our culture, by giving platforms to those who create the biggest noise and outrage, seems to be telling us a different story about what young adults today are getting up to, than these statistics reveal.
It seems only a few years back people were worried that this generation might end up almost hyper-sexed. There was panic over the pornified world in which they were growing up, about the “sexualisation” of children, inappropriate clothing lines and the raunchiness of pop stars. As they grew, we all worried about the proliferation of hardcore internet porn and whether this would lead to unrealistic expectations around performance and body hair. Sexting, Tinder, drunken campus parties: these were just some of the moral panics along the way.
But here we have the end result of all that. Not more sex, but a little less. Just because a culture is more frank or displays its sexuality more openly, doesn’t mean it’s doing more of it. Some academics have noted that, in the United States, the sexual revolution began long before the 1960s, in a “silent revolution” that took place following the Second World War, unspoken of, though measurable as a rise in single mothers and driven, perhaps, by a desire to live in the moment following troubled times. It was only later that the social conventions changed to follow suit.
Today, it’s the opposite. Social conventions suggest we are becoming ever more sexually liberal and accepting of anything that involves adult consent, but what people are actually doing tells a different story, of a little more abstinence, and even, possibly, more puritanism.
Meanwhile, sex isn’t the only thing young adults are having less of. This generation are drinking less alcohol, taking fewer drugs and falling pregnant less young than previous recent generations. Alongside this, they are also on course to be the first generation to earn less than their parents, and are likely to stay living with them for longer – surely also an opportunity-crusher, even in the most relaxed households.
Of course, there is no right quantity of sex to have. Every generation does things differently from the one before it. And there is no need for a mass panic. It’s not that millennials have stopped having sex. It’s just that they’re having a little less of it.
Nevertheless it is worth asking why this shift is happening. Authors of this recent US report suggest a multitude of reasons: among them the fact that this generation are doing almost everything later, that they are “risk-averse” and that they are the first to have come of age with digital technology. Researcher Jean Twenge noted that they had “really started to communicate by screens more and by talking to their friends in person less”. The result being less contact and less sex.
Tere is another element. This is a generation who have come of age in the often vicious arena of trolling and shaming, that is modern social media. Only the most thick-skinned can be immune from worry about what others might say about them out there, or of revenge porn and cyberbullying.
Given all these off-putting factors, it seems a wonder that there’s still any sex going on at all; a marvel that the whole generation hasn’t given up and left it to the Celebrity Big Brother stars to do it on behalf of the rest of us. Fortunately they haven’t. For all this recent moral panic, the death of sex is still a long way off.
Here at Ligar Seduction we hear a lot about confidence as a key factor of attraction, but many men don’t quite understand what, exactly, is meant by “confidence.” So I would ask: To you, what is an example of confidence in a man, and what is an example/sign of a lack of confidence?
A: Nine times out of 10, when you ask a woman what attracts her to a man, she’ll reply with one simple word (as if it were just so straightforward and obvious): “confidence.” If I were a man, specifically one who is soliciting advice, as I presume many of you are, I think I would find that reply to be incredibly frustrating, quite limiting and all around just pretty unhelpful. So, with that in mind, I’m going to try and explain this mythological “confidence” — how to get it, what it looks like and also how women can spot a man who is faking it or overcompensating for his lack thereof.
Confidence is an attitude, a demeanor of coolness, a “swagger,” if you will. Confidence is not something that you can wear like a T-shirt or a gold watch, but it is something that can be enhanced by putting on a fresh, crisp new item of clothing or by putting a little extra effort into your physical appearance. It’s a certain pep in your step. A way of walking. A contagious charisma. It’s seductive. It makes all people, not just women, gravitate toward a man and want to be around him, in the hopes of catching just a little bit of his energy. And also to see what else he’s got going on underneath that, and most important, whether or not he can back it up. Contrary to what many men have been wrongly brainwashed by the media to believe, you do not have to be rich to have confidence.
Which brings me to the next bone I need to pick. There is a big difference between being cocky and being confident. Often, men who are missing real confidence, the kind that comes from within and is legitimately founded in security and self-assuredness, will feign confidence. This dance of pretending to be confident is popularly exemplified by a pompous or self-important attitude, a need to condescend to or patronize women and other people in order to assert a sense of importance or superiority over others, a tendency toward bragging and boasting (specifically about money), and a need to show off cars, conquests and wealth in a misguided attempt to impress others.
Any self-respecting, street-savvy woman (the kind you deserve and should want to be with) will be able to sniff out this obnoxious illusion. You do not need to be rude, insensitive, materialistic or offensive to appear confident. Because you know what good women, those who are worth a good man’s time, like even more than a guy with a wallet exploding with money and a misogynistic attitude? An honest, hardworking, ambitious, career-oriented, smart person (bonus if he smells good) who has concrete, pinpoint-able things in his life that he can get really, genuinely positive and excited about. That’s sexy. That’s really sexy. And that’s confidence.
It’s difficult to thoroughly quantify signs of confidence vs. signs of non-confidence or insecurity. But I am giving it the old college try. A man who is confident has conviction. He’s calm, cool, collected, composed, cordial and kind. He stands up for himself, for others and for what he believes is right. He doesn’t talk down to people to make himself feel better, he calls a woman when he’s interested in her and, more importantly, calls a woman when he says he will.
A man who is not confident, but pretends to be, is wishy-washy, sends mixed messages to confuse women into feeling insecure and to make himself feel more powerful, says he’ll do things and then doesn’t, talks about how successful and confident he is, validates his existence by conquering or misleading women, and, for absolutely no reason, derives a lot of pleasure from insulting others and making them feel small.
Even if you’re the kind of guy who isn’t macho, doesn’t play sports, isn’t in a band and doesn’t have a big bank account, you can, and should, still be confident. All you need is to like yourself, make decisions that help you sleep at night, have hobbies you enjoy and possess any of the bevy of other things I’ve already mentioned that women really like.
So, in summation, confidence is an attitude that is based on being cool and comfortable with who you are and what you like. Confidence is walking through the world like you’re in a music video, like there’s an awesome soundtrack playing exclusively for your life. We all have our bad days, when we don’t like our hair and don’t like our jobs, but the key to real confidence is how we deal with the crappy stuff, and for a confident dude, that means acting like a gentleman.
I really hope this is helpful. If there’s any small token of advice for you to find and absorb in this wordy rant, it’s that, even if you’re not feeling fly like Bruno Mars, try and act like you are, but don’t try too hard, because that’s obvious and a turnoff. If you just want the confidence CliffsNotes, here they are: learn how to unhook a bra, open the car door for her, don’t apologize for not having a nicer car, don’t apologize for not being able to take her to a nicer restaurant, but do take her to the nicest restaurant that you can reasonably afford, and definitely don’t apologize for who you are (but be sure to apologize sincerely when you f*ck up).
And here’s what’s most important: do your best to become someone who is worthy of your own confidence. If you are reading this, it means you care about bettering yourself, and that’s a good start.
Feel More Confident Talking To Women Thanks To These Straightforward Tips
Have you ever noticed how there are men who don’t even seem particularly good-looking or successful yet date gorgeous women? These guys possess true confidence. And before you start googling “most effective pickup lines” or try to act funny when it’s not your style, remember that true confidence cannot be faked: It’s like women have a radar for detecting it.
Everyone has insecurities. Being truly confident is not about never feeling insecure. It’s about feeling comfortable in your own skin and not letting your insecurities prevent you from pursuing things. If the idea of approaching a woman, whether it be in person or on one of the many dating sites, gives you major anxiety, remember that confidence is something that can be built.
An anonymous user took to Ligar Seduction Blog’s Q&A platform, to ask for advice on developing the confidence needed to approach women. Ligar Seduction Blog’s users had a lot of wisdom to offer.These no-BS tips will help you finally build the self-confidence to go talk to her.
Practice On Non-Intimidating Women
Ian: Ask ugly girls first. Seriously. If you don’t have any skin in the game, it’s a lot easier to let loose and do it. You’ll also have the opportunity to work on your conversational skills, because I really hope your goal is not to eventually be able to approach girls willy-nilly and ask for their digits.
Work on your general conversation skills. Practice starting conversations with anyone and everyone, without any motive to date them or ask them out.
John: Just be yourself, my friend. It’s really up to the woman anyway. The truly self-confident guy may make an approach on a girl and even if she rebuffs him, he will just move away, like to another bar or club or part of town, before trying his luck again. Learn to count your ratio of accepts to rejects.
The first thing to know is that rejection isn’t personal. It’s usually a result of things you have absolutely no control over. The second thing to know is that most women don’t like most men. This means that regardless of your game or lack thereof, most of the time you will be rejected. A 1 in 10 success rate for cold approaches isn’t bad at all. The third thing to remember is that rejection is meaningless. Would you care if a random guy you didn’t know decided he didn’t particularily like you? No? Then why would the opinion of a woman you don’t know matter?
Work out and lift heavy. Endorphins and testosterone are good for your mental state and muscles will make you more attractive. Pick some fears and weaknesses and conquer them. Afraid of heights? Take a rock climbing course. Not a good public speaker? Read up on techniques to be better and join toast masters. Learn a martial art. The discipline and nature of the activity will make you mentally and potentially physically tougher.
Women Reveal How They Like To Be Approached (Hint: Pickup Lines Are Mostly Useless)
Gathering the courage to approach that cutie at the grocery store only to get shot down can be brutal for your ego. But there could be many reasons behind a woman’s rejection: She might already be taken, she might not be in the mood for a conversation, she might just not be interested — something you should respect without insisting or harassing her.
That being said, there are times when your approach is the one and only problem. And without veering into cringeworthy pickup culture territory, there may be ways to tweak your approach in order to successfully engage in conversations with attractive women you cross paths with.
Wilde: Sure, before I was married, I gave a random a chance. In fact, I met Himself in a pub on campus. He was a bit fluthered, and I wouldn’t recommend his opening line because so much depends on the way he said it.
Very formally and extending his hand to shake mine, “Hello, my name is Himself, and I have a penis.”
It made me laugh, and I shook his hand and said, “Good evening, My name is Wilde, and have the opposite and complementary equipment.”
He asked if I’d have a drink with him. I told him not that evening, but gave him my number. I figured if he remembered me the next day, I’d give him a whirl.
I do have to say that shouting at me on the street is going to get men nowhere.
I was married to my (now ex) husband for 11 years (together for 14) and I met him on the subway.
Women can smell creepy a mile away. If a man is just himself, keeps a bit of safe physical distance, is funny, and makes conversation that doesn’t sound like a cheap line then he may have a shot.
Joy: He has to be of similar attractiveness. If he is a 4 and she’s an 8, sorry, unlikely she’s going to be interested. Nobody wants to hear that, but it’s true.
He has to talk to her like a PERSON, not just an object of desire. Be relaxed, talk about something you’ve noticed you have in common, like you’d talk to anyone.
Be relaxed and confident (not to be confused with disinterested/distracted and cocky).
I think it’s not about what they say. It’s rather subconscious decision if I like him or not.
Morgan G: I’d advise to approach lightly, without expectation of any more than a polite phrase or gesture in return, or even the occasional deer in headlight speechless trance. Don’t pin your hopes and dreams on a random encounter as most will not lead to further engagement. Understand the odds, don’t over-invest, and don’t under, any circumstances, take any rejection personally.
Sex is so good for you in so many ways. It is truly healing – and not just emotionally, but physically too. This is one of the reasons why I advocate for having regular sexual activity, because it adds to your overall health and wellbeing. When you have satisfying sex, you set your body on a path of balancing your hormones and generally feeling happy. So what does a blush at high arousal or orgasm tell you?
Oxytocin is a key hormone in sex that leads to emotional and physical healing.
The hormone oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone,” is especially active in sexual activity in both men and women. For men, oxytocin facilitates good erections; and for both men and women, it promotes a feeling of connectedness and trust. Oxytocin helps people feel more strongly bonded with those people important to them in their lives, and even be more generous to others around them. It is one of the important ways that sexual activity can promote emotional healing. The beneficial effects of oxytocin can even be seen in reversal of feeling anxious, stressed, or depressed. This sense of relaxation is especially important for women to allow them to build their sexual arousal.
Oxytocin can make you younger.
One of the most astounding things about oxytocin is its positive effects on the cells and tissues of your body. Rising levels of oxytocin improve the quality and the function of muscle tissue. It has been found to regenerate muscle tissue back to younger levels from damaged muscle as well as muscle tissue of older versus younger individuals. This actually makes muscle tissue younger and stronger. Oxytocin also helps improve wound healing by tuning the immune system.
Oxytocin is increased by skin to skin contact.
In human, oxytocin circulation is increased by contact with skin, especially over the belly and chest. Caressing during foreplay can significantly heighten levels of oxytocin, which is why foreplay works so well for arousal. Oxytocin is metabolized within minutes, which is why continuous stimulation works best. Oxytocin is also released in large amounts at the time of orgasm, and is part of what contributes to the calm, sleepy feeling that follows.
Sex blush is a result of oxytocin.
In pregnant women, oxytocin encourages the let-down milk reflex by increasing circulation to the arteries in the chest. This is the same effect that produces sex blush (or flush) with orgasm in women, which can be seen as a pink or red flushing of the skin over the top and center of the chest. Sex blush can be an indication of an oxytocin surge around orgasm, although it’s not present in all cases. Oxytocin release is enhanced with stimulation of the cervix as well, which may explain why some women really love having deep stimulation with intercourse. So remember to give lots of skin contact during foreplay and go for sex so profound and intense that it makes you blush (from oxytocin!).
Ligar Seduction Blog: Relationship, Sexuality and Lifestyle