Guidance: Adult content
It could be said that in life we never make mistakes, but that we just keep learning lessons. Well, there are some lessons we wish we hadn’t had to learn the hard way. With embarrassing fumbles and body parts flying about in places they’re not supposed to, sex isn’t always as easy as we think. We’ve compiled a few examples of things that could have saved us years of blushing had we learned about them in sex education.
Sex can be messy
Perhaps we were taught about the logistics, but what about the facts? Sex is messy. Like with cooking, there’s always going to be a bit of spillage you need to wipe up at the end. The human body is capable of many things, and that includes fluids in various forms. Luckily, the shower will always be there and you can find pretty cheap deals on towels these days.
Sex can also be fun
During sex ed, so much emphasis is put on what could happen. We’re taught safety, urgency, reproduction and precaution. The do’s and don’ts are drilled into us in the same place that we are taught about the periodic table. But what about the simple fact that sex can actually be enjoyable? Orgasms exist and really do feel good. In fact, if you’re having sex it’s recommended that you try them.
All things LGBT
With around 10% of the UK population being gay, that’s a lot of people who are fumbling around in the dark trying to figure things out for themselves – the good stuff and the bad. There are things gay people need to know: it would certainly save on the embarrassing stories batted around in the pub. If no one’s ever spoken to you about the different ways you can enjoy sex as an LGBT person, it sort of takes the fun out of watching porn because you’re just trying to take notes.
It may be an overwhelming experience having your teacher suddenly talking about genitals, especially if this is the same biology teacher who normally teaches you about photosynthesis. But what about the geography of sex? There are some parts, some important parts, that have very specific locations. And it would be good for all of us to know exactly where these parts are. It would save a lot of disappointment down the line, for all parties involved.
Emotions are actually very influential
A lot of emphasis can be placed on the physical side of sex, but what about those little things we have called emotions? Emotions can actually have a huge impact on us physically; we all know how sex can be much more enjoyable with a person we actually like. Similarly, many of us will have experienced the emotional turmoil sex can wreak; that’s why breakup sex is a thing. Sex affects the heart as much as the head and we’ve all had to learn that the hard way.
Gravity knows no limits
There’s always one who claims they know more than everyone else. According to this smart aleck, a sure way to absolutely avoid pregnancy is if the girl is on top. You know, because gravity will help you out. This is not a method of contraception people. Do not listen to this person, they know nothing. There may well be many contraceptive options out there, but unfortunately, the laws of physics are not one of them.
Nothing is a suitable alternative to an actual condom
Everyone has a story about ‘the guy who tried to use cling film’. If the moment feels broken in the brief pause it takes to actually rubber up, think how awkward it would be whacking out the same roll of cling film you used to prepare your sandwiches earlier that day. It. Never. Works. There’s a reason they give condoms out for free at clinics.
What actually happens at an STI appointment
Yes, we were forced to watch animated videos where green monsters depicting chlamydia warned us of the perils of not getting ourselves regularly checked. And yes it is important. But why didn’t anyone tell us what that would actually involve? There’s prodding, there’s scraping, there’s swabbing. You might even have to unbuckle and bear all to a complete stranger. Don’t worry, though, they actually have seen it all before.
Sex toys exist…and they can be fun
Perhaps you remember the rubber penis used in the ‘this is how you put on a condom’ demonstration. Turns out, they actually exist for more reasons than simply educating inexperienced minds. Using sex toys does not mean subjecting yourself to all things 50 shades. In fact, they come in an array of different sizes, shapes and even colours, tailor-made to only enhance and increase pleasure. There really is something for everyone.
Alcohol and sex; a combination that doesn’t always go hand in hand
When we’ve had a few drinks and the clothes come off, it can be totally liberating for two consenting partners. Our bodies do things we didn’t know they could do, and we try things we didn’t want to try. In fact, we even enjoy them. But, enjoying too much of a liquid dinner doesn’t always lead to top performance. It turns out our balance isn’t the only thing that stops working so well when we’ve have one too many.
You’re not the only person who’s not ‘getting any’
Our friends rave about how they’re having it 20 times a day but they are probably lying. That or they have literally nothing else to do that day – no cooking, no studying, no jobs, no TV.
There’s no right or wrong amount of sex you should be having – for some it’s once a year, others every day. But honestly, we can’t be the only ones who sometimes just want to kick-back and watch a bit of EastEnders without any writhing going on. Are we the only ones? Are we?
Sometimes we’re just plain tired/too distracted by watching ‘fails’ on YouTube to get excited about getting excited.
So there you have it, our guide to things we wish we’d learned in sex ed. Go free and learn from our mistakes so that you don’t have to feel as awkward as we did.