Category Archives: relationships

What Are Your Relationship Goals for the Year 2017?

The beginning of the new year inspires change. Perhaps it’s the closing of one year and the beginning of the next that prompts us to reflect and set goals for the future.

During this time of reflection, bring some focus to your relationships, and try to determine if they’re healthy or damaged. As you evaluate your current relationships or seek out new ones, consider these tips.

Get Real with Yourself

This means—try to be honest with yourself. You won’t get anywhere by deluding yourself about the status of a friendship or romantic relationship. You know what you like and dislike, what you want, and what you’re willing to put up with. No one can help you create comfortable, productive relationships better than you can. In other words, relationships start with you.

Set aside time for some honest self-reflection. Acknowledge the role you play and your importance in each one of your relationships. Look at your positive and negative behaviours. Be honest about your intentions in these relationships.

You’re only sharing these thoughts with yourself; don’t be afraid to be blunt, bold, and as direct as possible in expressing your feelings. Pay attention to the feelings that bubble to the surface; they were probably there all along waiting to come out.

For example, maybe you have a friend who has proven to be resourceful and useful to you during times of need, but who also annoys you. This might cause you to have feelings guilt, usury, or selfishness. Let’s say in this example, your goal is to be a better friend. To achieve this goal, you need to acknowledge and make peace with the fact that you find this person annoying. Avoiding the feeling of annoyance with this person will only work against the genuine intention to better the relationship.

Be honest, at least with yourself, if not directly with the person about these feelings. Ask yourself: who this person is to you, and what do you seek in knowing them? Inquire and express inwardly.

Decide What You Want in a Relationship

Relationships are not all created equal. Some people in your life may serve great importance to your well-being or livelihood, while others are merely friends because of shared interest. You may feel closer to your aunt than your actual parent, or have deeper connection with a friend than your spouse. You may favour the company of buddies over family, or find more understanding among strangers than your loved ones. These kinds of feelings are not uncommon or reprehensible.

You are the shaping force in any relationship that you experience. If you’re setting goals of growth and change for yourself this year, it’s important to be decisive about those goals.

If you have a romantic interest in someone, you must decide whether you really want to explore that kind of relationship with this person. If there is someone you would like to learn from or grow closer to, you have to make up your mind about how you see that person.

Accept the relationship for what it is presently, even if it’s non-existent. Then set your intention on what you want it to be. Setting your intention on how you want to improve your relationships is an effective and direct way to reach your goal.

Remember the fundamental human needs of acceptance, appreciation, affection, and attention to understand your personal intentions. You’re seeking one, or a combination, of these needs to be fulfilled in your human interactions. Look at the person you’re seeking a relationship with and see where they fit into this view of things.

Determine Where Can You Grow

Everything that we experience in life is meant to teach us something and contribute to our awareness. Other people can play a major role in the quality of our life experiences.

If you want to enhance your relationships, it’s a good practice to look at yourself and see where you can grow and improve. This can shed light on your relationships.

For example, you may find that you’re drawn to people for certain qualities that they exhibit. If you’re a serious person who is always responsible, you may feel connected to a silly, more reckless person because it creates some balance in your life. Since this more carefree characteristic may be an unexpressed aspect of your Self, it can be healthy for you to grow this relationship while remaining true to yourself and expanding.

Or perhaps you want to succeed in your career. It can be helpful to your growth as an individual to build relationships with those who have achieved some success in their chosen field. These relationships can provide you with education, support, acceptance, and opportunity.

The most rewarding gift from any relationship will be inward. Look at yourself for areas where you can grow mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. By focusing your efforts on these aspects of your relationships with others, you’re providing a foundation for a long-lasting relationship with purpose.

Be the Change

Try to give what you want to receive. If you want a friend to be more expressive and open with you, it may help for you to initiate this kind of expressive interaction. By being the first to give, especially in relationships, you’re creating the space for what you desire to blossom. Follow Gandhi’s advice with your own relationships and “be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Stay Flexible

Remember that in all relationships, no matter how intimate or casual, there is compromise and exchange. Sometimes these compromises can take place on an emotional level and other times they can be physical. In order to nurture healthy, positive relations with others, it’s a good practice to not be rigid. People, like life, will throw you curve balls. Maybe a trusted friend will show a momentary betrayal, or an otherwise calm person may act erratically.

Many factors shape the behaviour of others. Learn to flow with others without compromising yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously and learn to appreciate the differences in others.

These small tips can make the difference between great relationships and destructive ones. The best relationships are those in which all parties feel appreciated and respected. Try not to let personal hang-ups or opinions get in the way of a friendship.

As you begin a new year, keep these concepts in mind to improve your current relationships and lay a good foundation for new ones. Every relationship is an opportunity to grow.

Why nicest guys make the best Dom sex partners

The problem with our social commentary of sexuality is that we often try to use logic to draw lines between what happens in the bedroom and our personalities in our day-today lives.

Why Nice Guys make the best Dom Sex Partners
Why Nice Guys make the best Dom Sex Partners

We think that alpha men are obviously more dominant and powerful in the bedroom and nice guys who are soft spoken and more thoughtful must be romantic and boring in the bedroom. We see this constantly perpetuated by TV and movie characters.

But it is not our personalities that rule in the bedroom. When sexually intelligent people find themselves in a relationship where they can let their erotic nature and subconscious rise to the surface – the id finds itself coming up for air and for a much needed recalibration. Those logical observations of sexuality and personality are thrown out the window.

If anything, the complete opposite of what you would assume is actually true.

For years I was attracted to large, strong handsome men. The bad boys, the asshole lumberjack, the dismissive rock stars. I knew my submissive itches would need a true alpha man to scratch. But few (if any) of those bad boys or strong manly-men ever actually performed in the bedroom.

When I accidentally started dating nice guys, I got the biggest holy-shit-aha-moment of my life.

The things that make a good man less aggressive and less power-hungry in their careers or social lives, make them the most amazing Doms in the bedroom.

Nice guys put the needs of others before his own, they are tuned in to non-verbal communication, they try to avoid trouble, and lead with compassion.

 

Those are exactly the qualities you need for a good dominant man in the bedroom.

The idea of being in a dominant/submissive sexual relationship doesn’t necessarily mean whips and chains and red rooms. A dom/sub relationship simply means one person likes to take control of a situation and the other person agrees to let that person be in control. This is necessary for any sexual relationship or you’d constantly be bickering over who’s going to be on top. Most couples already do this dom/sub negotiation, and take turns being in control and being actively submissive.

And actively submissive is the key to a dom/sub relationship.

For example, think about missionary position sex. This can be intensely gratifying if both people are active. Not so much if one person just lays there. While it may seem like the top is in control, they aren’t. The bottom is the one who controls the rhythm, the depth, the intensity.

And that simple fact is the reason Nice Guys are so much better at being Doms. They know that by taking control of the sexual decision-making process they actually create space for an amazing sexual experience. They decide where to go, what position to be in and what to wear. They free up the sub to connect with the nuance of sex. When someone else is making the decisions, you can focus on how your body responds, how you allow yourself to open up emotionally, and how your orgasm travels through your body.

The sub is the one who is really in control. And nice guys are willing to take on the responsibility of the sexual relationship because they want their partner to feel and experience as much pleasure as possible.

Alpha men, and bad boys might attract women more easily, but they end up being potentially terrible in bed. They pound their way to orgasm and roll over. I’ve realized that even stunningly handsome alpha men never progress sexually because nobody has ever told them they’re bad in bed. And if they did, they wrote the feedback off as bitchy or crazy. It’s a shame. (and obviously that’s a drastically general statement – but continues to prove truth).

But Nice Guy Doms aren’t born, they are made. Because of the preoccupation with dominants being jerks and potentially abusive, many Nice Guys don’t know their potential. Give them permission to explore that side of their sexuality, and they will!

 

Tell them what you want

He’ll give it to you. But a nice guy is hyper-sensitive to hurting your feelings or being perceived as an aggressor. Build a relationship that gives them the emotional and physical space to ease into being more dominant. Dominant and aggressive don’t have to be the same thing. Although if that’s where you want to take it – go for it!

 

Respect each other outside the bedroom

Building a base of complete trust and respect will let the sex take on a life of it’s own. The stronger the foundation of mutual respect – the more you can stray from the standard and bland and explore some freaky and intensely sensual experiences. As a women (and as a dude) you have to have the emotional intelligence outside the bedroom to respect and hold space for your partner. A needy or tentative partnership will fall apart in the bedroom. A trusting relationship will create a huge stage for sexual exploration. So get your emotional shit together.

 

Don’t ask him to be anything he isn’t comfortable with

We often talk about sexual contracts in terms of what the sub is willing to let the Dom do TO them. But defining this sexual contract with a Nice Guy is a bit different. There may be a dozen things on the list of sexual acts that they aren’t comfortable with DOING. And that’s awesome. They are entitled to say “that doesn’t feel like me”. You want things to feel as genuine and authentic as possible.

 

Empower your partner to express their own sexual desires

Just because you enjoy a sub/Dom relationship with an awesome Nice Guy, doesn’t mean that you need to do that all the time. Switch it up. Listen to their sexual desires whether they fit into your sexual needs or not. As a partnership, it’s not always about you. Even when 70% of your sexual styles overlap – sometimes you need to do things that are just for your partner’s pleasure. And it will be fun!

 

Allow them to adore you

The most uncomfortable part of starting a relationship with a Nice Guy after a string of douchebags and alpha jerks is that they like you. It feels weird. They text you back and they compliment you. They adore you. And it feels weird at first. You have to get used to it. Too many women aren’t comfortable letting someone love them. We think love is something we have to fight for, and convince someone to be a part of. It’s not. Don’t pass up on an amazing sexual experience because your Nice Guy adores you. He can completely adore you and completely dominate you.

 

Acknowledge their compassion as powerful

We have made the biggest mistake as a society by assuming that compassion means weakness and douchebaggery as strength. It is far more powerful to be kind and thoughtful than to be a dick. That compassion translates to a masterfully dominant man in the bedroom.

The dating mantra for people who give zero f*cks

soulmate-emily-straubel-relationship-coach

If you’re searching for “The One” – you’re fucked.

Since long before Jerry McGuire uttered “you complete me”, we’ve been obsessed with the idea that there’s one person on earth who is capable of giving us everything we need.

Our Soulmate.

And it’s not simply that our Soulmate exists. That person needs to live in our city, speak our language and be tall dark and handsome. Obviously, the odds are not good.

You might be thinking “not me, that’s crazy”; but it is you! Whether we like it or not, it’s the tale we’ve been told. It’s imprinted into our childhood stories, TV shows and movies.

We have this assumption that we’ll meet the perfect partner. That flawless human will fall head over heels for us. Then they’ll love us despite our many imperfections.

What could possibly go wrong with that? …right??

It’s this double standard that causes so many relationships to spiral into a series of failed expectations, insecurity and eventual resentment.

So often I hear couples say they’re disappointed when their partner doesn’t live up to their high standards of communication or in the bedroom, but they’re also hurt when their partner questions their own flawed actions or intentions.

It’s a lose-lose situation. A constant see-saw between disappointment and feeling like you’re letting your partner down.

It perpetuates our cultures chronic illness of feeling like we’re “not enough”. Doing enough, being enough, sexy enough, thin enough, funny enough, smart enough…

To be clear, “you complete me” is not cute – it’s clingy and pathetic.

I’ve replaced the idea of a Soulmate with this mantra.

It has given me the power to give zero fucks.

Whenever I start to get sucked into the expectation spiral, I repeat this to myself. I say it outloud. My friends and clients have started using it and it has a powerful effect on so many relationships.

It keeps people from giving away their power in a relationship too quickly, and also keeps their own ego in check.

It’s a phrase you can use in those moments of indecision. When you’re questioning whether to go on a second date, break up with someone or propose this mantra acts as a guidepost when the options become overwhelming.

I am a whole looking for another whole.

You are not looking for your better half. No person could ever “complete” you because you’re already whole. You’ll fit a partner into your life, but you don’t need to change a thing.

This is the mantra that has kept me out of bad relationships and guided me towards unexpected, but amazing men.

Wrapped up in this phrase are many of the ideals we hold true when we have clarity of mind, but forget when we’re caught in an awkward dating moment, or during a stressful relationship talk.

  • You don’t want a relationship built on co-dependency. Gross.
  • You’re not alone – you’re just single.
  • You’re actually happy being single.
  • You have something unique to offer someone.
  • You understand everyone is a work in progress.
  • It’s not your job to fix people, just to love them.
  • Mediocre relationships aren’t for you. You’re one badass whole looking for another badass whole.

Testing Someone’s Love is Self-sabotage at It’s Worse

In Victoria-era England, women devised a complex system using their fans to let men know whether they were available (fan quickly), interested (rested on right cheek), taken (fan slowly) or horny (ripping bodices). The courting rituals of other societies across the globe and history get much stranger. In old-school Scandanavia, women looking for a partner started to wear a knife sheath. Men would make knives to slip into the sheath of the girl he loved. Subtle, I know. If a girl wasn’t into it, she’d give it back. Continue reading Testing Someone’s Love is Self-sabotage at It’s Worse